Stella Douglas Is Still Dying
Free will must be so frustrating for the God of the religious.
My friend,
heads up— THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE.
Listen, if you don’t like angry outbursts and talking about divorce is triggering for you, then please move along. I may be slow to my 'villain era' - but I have arrived.
You don't like me?
Unfollow, mama.
No hard feelings.
Like it or lump it, as my wicked witch stepmother used to say.
Because it’s okay to be angry.
It’s okay to have outbursts. Even at people.
What's not okay is to fail to reflect and apologise if necessary.
What's not okay is to deny our failures and blame shift.
Mama, you’re not going to get quick fixes with me. And no one is coming to do it for you, not even Jesus.
And when I say Mama, or Girl, I'm talking to anyone who identifies as such. I believe the Apostle Paul referenced this in his letter to the Galatian church when he says, about the curtain being torn at Jesus' crucifixion, "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
Paul is arguing that in Christ, the distinctions that once defined people, such as Jew or Gentile (non-Jew), slave or free, male or female, are no longer relevant for their relationship with God.
And if it doesn't matter to God, why does it matter to you?
Could Paul have been Queer? Radical, I know.
Gender must come off the table.
Hearts and souls are beyond bodies. They were then, and they most certainly are now. Bodies are not irrelevant or irreverent, the opposite -they are holy temples - they are time machines - and the very presence of God resides within them - in Me and You, but we must not get distracted by them, like the finger pointing at the moon.
Objectification, subjugation, and the consequences of modern living have kept us chasing our tails and sniffing each other’s bums. Again, nothing wrong with chasing tail or sniffing bums, as long as it’s not a preoccupation keeping you from what matters to you.
Father and Mother are gateway deities and primal archetypes in our internal cast. They are not the only Ones there. Though these identifications are necessary and helpful, they are not the only way to perceive or experience the Divine.
If the trans movement is pointing to anything at all, it's humanity's necessity for integration. God is not limited to Father AND/OR Mother. We have only just arrived back (because she was always there) at Her feet.
Nobody asked for it (ah, the joy and wonder of the internet) - but here's my opinion on surgery for trans folk: Like abortion: not my body - not my decision.
We must go beyond the polarities and limitations of gender because the exercise is not even about equality. It’s about wholeness and radical acceptance of Self and Other.
FYI: YOU ARE SAFE WITH ME WHEREVER YOU ARE IN YOUR SPIRITUAL, SEXUAL, CREATIVE, PERSONAL, OR PROFESSIONAL TRAJECTORY, because the only way forward is through.
Right. Then.
In my upcoming writing, I am going to be talking about divorce, not about my ex-husband, per se, but I am going to be talking about moving through relationship death. And rebirth.
I did not intend to write about Death, but that is the funny, fascinating, and frustrating thing about writing outside of technical writing: your characters start deciding what they want for themselves. And I am more convinced than ever that life is made of births and deaths. Not anyone elses but our own.
Somewhere between your hand and your heart, magick happens. Free will must be so frustrating for the God of the religious.
I will extol the virtues of writing next time when I extend a formal invitation to How to Become a Mermaid in 13 Short Stories.
Death is a theme for me, as evidenced by my experience with suicidal thoughts and my writing long before my marriage ended and my mother died. I wrote a character, Lady Death, in my 1st novel. She, Lady Death, will be one of the guides when I use this novel to teach my upcoming body of work, Write Your Life: fiction writing as spiritual practice.
When I'm preparing for a sales cycle, I find myself being brutally hard on myself for not “doing enough.” It's seldom about not doing enough and generally about not feeling enough. And if it is about not doing enough, it's about not doing enough of the stuff that I love.
I don't know what the right amount of time is for getting over things, and I don't fucking care. What I care about is taking the time to be present for it. When yoga students come to me with injuries that they keep prolonging the healing of because they won't rest, I want to do unyogic things, like punch them in the face for not listening to their bodies.
But you know, I'm Zen.
I have tools for this, especially my essential oils to regulate my nervous system. This is especially important as we deconstruct capitalism, colonialism, and patriarchy in art and business. We (men too) are so fucking hard on ourselves because, you know, rat race, success, etc etc etc.
Most of us need to find flow (not balance — what is that?) and integration, not work harder. Most of us need encouragement and inspiration, not more hoops to jump through. Most of us (over 40) need a tech stack tutorial!
For a long time, I thought I wanted to be a solopreneur. Reflecting on my marriage and being on the festival circuit these last few months has helped me see that I don't. I want to be part of a team. I want to create in partnerships and communities. I want to encourage people to do what they are brilliant at so we can all be brilliant together. And make money doing it.
It must be said: needing to make money is a bit fucked in the context of systems that do not support life, but since this is the context, I have made peace with money and have committed to love making it and spending it. What a game-changer.
I LOVE HOW I MAKE MONEY, AND I LOVE SPENDING IT.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
The trick is to prioritize the (he)ART- not the money. For me anyway. This is not for everyone. Some of us need to prioritise the money - I get it. But I have never done well when I chase the cash. For me, heart and soul are central. First, the catharsis - then the cash. The cash comes when I do the internal work required to support my external expansion. Otherwise, crash and burn, baby. Crash and burn.
That said, to build a team, you must become proficient at selling, without feeling like you’re selling out. As business owners and entrepreneurs, we must be willing to, at least for a time, do jobs we are not excited about or great at and may never be, for that matter. And more terrifyingly, be willing to make shitty first drafts. Like my ex-husband used to say—
(Not because he’s dead. I didn’t kill him.)
100% of zero is still zero.
As is the nature of creation, while I'm gearing up to sell things, I am also creating space for new things. As I prepare to scale, this involves a lot of nervous system work and internal landscaping because the themes I write about, including Death, are complex. Expansion is complex. People and building a team are complex.
Sex. Money. Death.
Rivetting.
Leaving my husband is a major plot point in my story and my process of radical acceptance of Self and Other.
And integration.
My ex-husband was not the whole problem, God bless his cotton socks. In the words of Mandoza and the spirit of math jokes, let's go 50/50!
I wrote a short story about deciding to leave my marriage, titled Until Death. It's been published in one of my favorite short story publications, Short. Sharp. Stories. I had to write it because Story is how I make meaning and find my way through my heart and into the world. That whole story is a well-crafted angry outburst.
So, if you know my ex-husband and love my ex-husband, please know that I am incredibly grateful for that journey. I won't throw shade on purpose— But I will spill the tea.
Because fucking shit is real in the world. And being in a relationship - any relationship - a business relationship, a marriage, to show up and be present is hard work. And if you have not yet comprehended that, then you don’t have skin in the game. You are deluded by your coping mechanisms and lulled into a false sense of security by your comfort zone. Or the Matrix.
May the force be with you as you choose your challenge, Hero.
K. Love you.
Bye.
P.S. If you like my flavour of crazy, share it, please. It's how the world works now. Sharing is caring, and writers have to write much more than stories to make a living.
Love you.